My heart hurts

The evening of Tuesday, October 25th, 2011 will be burned into my memory for years to come, I am sure. I was sitting  on the floor of Autumn's room, folding her clothes, when Steve walked in. With an outstretched arm he handed me his cell phone and said, "Here, you need to talk to your sister."

"Hello?", I said.

On the other end of the line I could hear my sister breathing heavily and stifling what sounded like tears. She had yet to speak a single word and I felt it. I felt that nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach, I felt a lump forming in my throat. I had yet to find out why my sister was calling, but I knew that the words she was about to say, whatever they were, could not be taken back and I knew that it was not something that I wanted to hear.

My sister began to tell me, as calmly as she could, that my Uncle had taken a bad fall. He had hit his head so severely that he was now in an intensive care unit because his brain was swollen and bleeding. Then she said it, "Kim, they don't know what's going to happen."

I held it together while on the phone, asking question after question. I held it together while she told me all she knew, which was not much. I held it together while we rearranged our upcoming schedules to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. Then we hung up and I lost it.

I sat on the floor of my daughter's bedroom and sobbed. Steve came in and between cries I tried to, in broken English and between breaths, explain to him what had happened. I couldn't even get the words out and I know he did not understand a single thing I said. It was at that point that Autumn came walking into the room. My sweet girl took one look at me sitting on the floor, red faced and crying, and said "Oh, Mama cry". She walked up to me, gave me a hug, and with her little hand patted my back, "It's OK Mama", she said.

The next day Autumn and I made the four hour drive to my sister's house. We stayed there overnight, and then the next morning we, along with my father and other sister, drove two hours to the hospital where my Aunt and Uncle were. That day and the days that followed are a blur. I watched my Aunt, who is one of the strongest people I have ever known, comfort all of us when we should have been comforting her. I listened as the doctors reported the same thing over and over, we had to wait. There are no blue prints for brain injuries.

I saw my Uncle. I stood next to his hospital bed, rubbed his arm, cried, and told him that I loved him and that he was going to be fine. I left the hospital to return home, not knowing what was going to happen. I waited.

On November 2, 2011 my Uncle passed away. It is an unexplainable emptiness that I feel. I am heartbroken for my Aunt, for my family, for Steve and I. For all of my Uncle's friends and for my Autumn. You see, all of those that I listed have memories of my Uncle to cling to except Autumn. She will not remember him. She will not have the opportunity that I had to hear him laugh, or listen to him talk. She will not know what it felt like to get lost in his hugs. When I think of this my heart hurts even more.

I was given this poem by a close friend and it has brought me some comfort. Hopefully, if any of you have or are going through an unexpected loss, or any loss for that matter, it will bring you comfort too.

"Don't grieve for me for now I'm free,

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took his hand when I heard him call;

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way;

I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss;

Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.   

Be not burdened with times of sorrow

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much;

Good friends, good times, a loved ones' touch.

Perhaps my time seems all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me,

God wanted me now, he set me free.

~Author Unknown