This Ain't No Joke

This parenting stuff is hard. H.A.R.D. Not like trigonometry test hard, like mentally, physically, spiritually hard. I am put to the test everyday and almost always feel like I have fallen short.

I knew when Steve and I decided it was time to start "trying" that having a baby was going to rock our world. We were told, at nauseam, that once we had a baby our lives were never going to be the same again. I thought, being an Aunt, that I had at least a small grasp on what to expect. No more sleeping in, late nights out would be few and far between, a spontaneous trip? Heck, we would be lucky to get a date night out for dinner and a movie. And I was right, for the most part all of those things are true and I was prepared for them. It is everything else that I was unprepared for, all the things that matter.

The overwhelming responsibility that being a parent is. I have been blessed with a daughter and a son. I have been entrusted with the job of raising a woman and a man. My daughter may one day be a wife and a mother. I want her to have patience for those around her and patience for herself. I want her to have confidence, not forced confidence that is masking insecurities like her mother, real genuine confidence. I want her to have empathy for others and never feel that anyone is any less than she is. I want her to appreciate life and understand it's value. I want her to work hard for the things that she has, but not work to have things. I want her to love without hesitation. I want her to be a good person.

My son may one day be a husband and a father. I want him to open doors and pull out chairs for women. I want him to have an effortless confidence. I want him to be approachable. I never want him to feel ashamed to cry. I want him to work as hard as his father does for the things that he wants. I want him to never be afraid to be who he is. I want him to love without fear. I want him to have a strength that goes beyond the gym. I want him to be fearless and protective. I want him to always root for the underdog. I want him to be a good person.

I was not prepared to be flooded with these wants immediately upon seeing my babies faces. I was not prepared for the amount of second guessing I would do. Am I making the right decision? Is this what my Mom, Mother-In-Law, Sister, Sister-In-Law, Best Friend, Acquaintance I compare myself to on Facebook would do? Is she watching too much TV? Eating the right things? Going to the right school? Do we spend enough quality time together? Is it about the quantity of time or the quality of time? Is it too cold out for shorts or too hot out for jeans? Do we discipline enough? Do we discipline too much? Do we discipline the right way? Does she have too many toys? Does she play outside enough? Are they each getting enough attention?

Am I awful for working full time?

This I was not prepared for. It never ends. I knew I would worry, I knew I would stress. I did not know I would worry and stress all. the. time. about. everything. We are molding people and my hope is that these little people take everything that is good about Steve and I and nothing that is bad. Naive, I know, but it is those bad things that keep me up at night.

That and the second guessing.

I know you can only do the best you can, but what if my best isn't good enough? I'm not baking a cake here, where if I burn the edges I can just throw it out and start over. There is no rewind button. I've got one shot to get this right, one shot. And most days I feel like my aim is way off.

So tonight, like every night, I will lay down to go to sleep and before shutting my eyes, I will thank God for trusting me with these two beautiful babies and I will ask him for one more day to try to get it right.