Hungry people are Mean

If you know me in real life you know that I am dieting in the process of changing my lifestyle. While this has yet to include any sort of exercise regimen (how do you people find the time?!?) I am following the "Weight Watchers Points Plus Program" and have changed what I eat and drink regularly. In the process I have changed what Steve and Autumn eat and drink (it is amazing how the Mama's set the tone for stuff like this).

I have stopped drinking soda and tea all. the. time. Giving up soda? Not so bad. Giving up sweet tea? Lord, help me...

Now don't get me wrong, if we go out to eat I have no problem ordering a glass of tea with my meal, I am still human. I have just stopped buying it and keeping it in the house.

I have started "meal planning". That thing that all those cool, have-it-all-together Mamas do. Around Thursday or Friday every week I write out what I plan to cook for dinner for the following week. Seems like a no-brainer right? Yeah, this is not what I was doing before. I was following the, throw it together at the last minute or take out sounds good, methods. Planning ahead has made a huge difference. 1.) I am able to buy for what I plan on cooking instead of just winging it at the grocery store every week. 2.) I am able to plan my breakfast and lunch based on what I am having for dinner (helps when you are trying to stay within a specified amount of "points" for the day).

Sounds easy enough, right? Yeah...

Well, here is a little background. I am the oldest of three girls and have always been the "bigger" one. My sisters are disgustingly thin. They were lucky enough to get that from my Mom, who is so tiny one would wonder how she was able to carry three babies to term. So, out of four women in my family, I am the big girl. Since I have always been the bigger of the three of us and I didn't know anything different, I just lived with it. I never really tried to diet, with the exception of starving myself for my wedding, and I despise any activity that makes my body sweat. I wasn't happy with my weight, but I also was not bothered by it enough to do anything about it. Until I had Autumn.

My pregnancy with Autumn added about 25 pounds to my small frame, and considering that I was not at a healthy weight before the pregnancy, you can see where that left me. I did nothing after Autumn was born to lose the weight and it was not until we were discussing having another baby that I had an epiphany. I could not gain another 25 pounds. Could. Not. So, I got to work.

I joined Weight Watchers and lost 20 pounds just in time to get knocked up. Awesome. That was my goal, after all. Then I gained 15 of those pounds back having Nate. Bright Side? At least it was only 15 and not 25. So, after being re-introduced to my fat self, I decided to make a permanent change.

One of the things I am struggling with the most is turning this into a lifestyle. Ideally, I would like to not have to eat Lean Cuisines for lunch for-ev-er. It's fine for now, while I am getting the weight off, but I am going to have to get creative in the future. I am going to have to reinvent my relationship with food.

So, this journey is just beginning. I am 2 1/2 weeks in and down 5.8 pounds. Don't get me wrong, like most people I am fueled by vanity but I am also fueled by the desire to be here to hound my children for as long as possible. And if that means having cantaloupe instead of chips, or eating a Lean Cuisine for lunch everyday, then so be it.

Now, to leave you with a little nugget of wisdom I have learned over the last 2 1/2 weeks...hungry people are mean. Just ask Steve.

Home, Sweet Home

When Steve and I were dating, like most new, can't-go-a-second-without-hearing-your-voice, relationships we talked on the phone. Constantly. We talked about everything. His family, my family, school, work, friends, what we were going to do that weekend, what we were going to do next weekend, getting married, having children, where we would live and what type of house we would live in.

Well, one day, years from when most of these lengthy, hour(s) long conversations took place, that chatty guy and gal actually did get married, and have children, and bought a house.

In that order, actually.

In the summer of 2010, that house that Steve and I used to daydream about actually became a reality. We bought a house. Not a new outfit, or a new pet, or a new car, we bought a house. This was huge! We had spent months looking, and looking, and looking and just when we felt as though we would never come across anything that even came close to what we wanted, we found it. And trust me, compared to some of the places we looked at, walking into this house was like walking into the Taj Mahal.

When we bought our house Autumn was 6 months old. One of our first projects after moving in was to update the hall bathroom next to Autumn's room. After Steve finished painting we dipped Autumn's hands in paint and put her handprints on the wall.

This is the place where Autumn took her first steps. Nate was brought home from the hospital to this house. We have had every one of Autumn's birthday parties in this house and will have Nate's here too.

It's not perfect by any means, the list of improvements that we would like to make is ever growing. I wish the kitchen and living room were bigger (and if it could clean itself that would be a plus too!), but, it is ours.

This place, that we used to only dream about, is where Steve and I now plan our future. Where we listen to our babies laugh and watch them grow.

I know that the day will come when we will out grow this house. We did not buy it with the intention of it being our "forever house", but after being here, living here, I have decided that Steve better learn how to write up a rental agreement, because I don't know that I will be able to part with it.

I love to hear Autumn in the car, as we round the corner and pull into the driveway, yell "WE'RE HOME!"

This house is our home.

"Our house is a very, very fine house.

With two cats in the yard,

Life used to be so hard.

Now everything is easy,

cause of you."

~Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

My Mother's Hands

As I was racing around the house this morning, like a crazy lady trying to get everyone ready to walk out the door, running my usual 10 minutes late, I noticed something.

I am getting my mother's hands.

In the midst of mentally checking things off of my morning checklist, bottles (check), an extra outfit for Nate (check), Autumn's lunch box (check), Autumn's book bag (check), Nate's diaper bag (check)...

I must have gone to pick something up off of the counter and when I looked down I didn't see my hands, I saw hers.

Hands that rocked three babies to sleep. Hands that brushed endless strands of hair and tied little pink shoelaces into bows. Hands that made dinner every night and cut peanut butter sandwiches into hearts for school lunches.

Hands that flipped storybook pages and glued together science projects. Hands that disciplined and hands that comforted. Hands that have held four grandchildren on the day of their births.

I saw the hands of a woman whose voice can bring me to tears, even if I don't intend to cry.

The hands of a woman who was there for every school play, soccer game, softball tournament and track meet. The hands that buttoned me into my wedding dress.

I saw her hands. And I smiled.

I would be proud to have my mother's hands.

Nate ~ Four Months

Nate,
  Another month has passed with your smiling face in my life! You are starting to form such a little personality and seem to be changing everyday.

Milestones: You started laughing this month! It is by far the sweetest sound in the world! You were laying on your "monkey mat" playing with Daddy when all of a sudden a huge belly laugh came out!

You are THIS CLOSE to rolling over, you can get yourself onto your side, but not quite all the way over yet. Hopefully next month I will be able to report that you are a little roly poly!

Loves: You haven't acquired any new loves this month, still sticking with the pacifier, your swing and your mat.

Hates: Waiting. You do not like to wait for anything! When you are hungry, you are hungry NOW. When you are tired, you want to be rocked to sleep NOW. When you need a diaper change you let us know immediately. Patience is apparently not a virtue you have been blessed with, at least not as a baby! Besides that you are extremely laid back, so I guess the least I can do is feed you, rock you and change you on command!

Weight and Height: At your 4 month doctor's appointment you weighed in at 12.4 pounds (double your birth weight!) and 22.5 inches long!

This Ain't No Joke

This parenting stuff is hard. H.A.R.D. Not like trigonometry test hard, like mentally, physically, spiritually hard. I am put to the test everyday and almost always feel like I have fallen short.

I knew when Steve and I decided it was time to start "trying" that having a baby was going to rock our world. We were told, at nauseam, that once we had a baby our lives were never going to be the same again. I thought, being an Aunt, that I had at least a small grasp on what to expect. No more sleeping in, late nights out would be few and far between, a spontaneous trip? heck, we would be lucky to get a date night out for dinner and a movie. And I was right, for the most part all of those things are true and I was prepared for them. It is everything else that I was unprepared for, all the things that matter.

The overwhelming responsibility that being a parent is. I have been blessed with a daughter and a son. I have been entrusted with the job of raising a woman and a man. My daughter may one day be a wife and a mother. I want her to have patience for those around her and patience for herself. I want her to have confidence, not forced confidence that is masking insecurities like her mother, real genuine confidence. I want her to have empathy for others and never feel that anyone is any less than she is. I want her to appreciate life and understand it's value. I want her to work hard for the things that she has, but not work to have things. I want her to love without hesitation. I want her to be a good person.

My son may one day be a husband and a father. I want him to open doors and pull out chairs for women. I want him to have an effortless confidence. I want him to be approachable. I never want him to feel ashamed to cry. I want him to work as hard as his father does for the things that he wants. I want him to never be afraid to be who he is. I want him to love without fear. I want him to have a strength that goes beyond the gym. I want him to be fearless and protective. I want him to always root for the underdog. I want him to be a good person.

I was not prepared to be flooded with these wants immediately upon seeing my babies faces. I was not prepared for the amount of second guessing I would do. Am I making the right decision? Is this what my Mom, Mother-In-Law, Sister, Sister-In-Law, Best Friend, Acquaintance I compare myself to on Facebook would do? Is she watching too much TV? Eating the right things? Going to the right school? Do we spend enough quality time together? Is it about the quantity of time or the quality of time? Is it too cold out for shorts or too hot out for jeans? Do we discipline enough? Do we discipline too much? Do we discipline the right way? Does she have too many toys? Does she play outside enough? Are they each getting enough attention?

Am I awful for working full time?

This I was not prepared for. It never ends. I knew I would worry, I knew I would stress. I did not know I would worry and stress all. the. time. about. everything. We are molding people and my hope is that these little people take everything that is good about Steve and I and nothing that is bad. Naive, I know, but it is those bad things that keep me up at night.

That and the second guessing.

I know you can only do the best you can, but what if my best isn't good enough? I'm not baking a cake here, where if I burn the edges I can just throw it out and start over. There is no rewind button. I've got one shot to get this right, one shot. And most days I feel like my aim is way off.

So tonight, like every night, I will lay down to go to sleep and before shutting my eyes, I will thank God for trusting me with these two beautiful babies and I will ask him for one more day to try to get it right.

This little piggy went to get a pedi!

You know back in the day when men would send their son's out into the world to complete some monumental task in order to be considered a man?

Well, I did something similar with Autumn, only it wasn't that monumental. It is however, what I would consider a little stepping stone into woman-hood.

Autumn had her first pedicure.

Autumn has watched me leave the house many times to go off to that magical place that make my toes look so pretty. So she was ecstatic when I told her that this time she gets to go too! With wide eyes she walked into the nail salon, looking longingly at the huge, comfortable, "fancy" chairs that all the big girls were sitting in. She was mystified by all of the color choices and I think it took her longer to choose a color than it did to paint her little toes!

After picking her color, Autumn crawled into the massage chair and scooted all the way to the front. Then she stuck her little feet down into the warm water and let out a sigh. It is amazing to me that even at 3 years old, she has the same reaction to that feeling of relaxation as I do at, um, well at the age that I am.

The woman who was helping Autumn was wonderful. She was kind and patient and let my little beauty enjoy every minute of her first pedi. From letting her splash her feet in the water, to bringing her a Coke to drink (in a glass, without a lid!), to letting her walk around the salon to show off her newly painted little piggies. Autumn enjoyed every second of it!

As we were leaving Autumn started telling me what color she planned on getting next time, and the time after that, and the time after that. It was then that I knew My little girlie-girl is hooked. Like mother, like daughter.

Going to get a pedicure is often times my break. I will go with a girlfriend, on a Sunday afternoon, leaving the kids at home with Steve. If I'm feeling nice, they are napping before I leave, if I'm not then they are wide awake and ready to be entertained! It is my time to close my eyes and breathe. No one calling my name or asking me questions. It's just me with the warm water on my feet and a chair (who expects nothing in return) massaging my back.

I will still make these "Me Time" trips to the nail salon, but I will also add in a few extra times when I take my little lady with me. As she grows it will be nice to take some of that "Me Time" and make it "Our Time". Our time away from the boys, when I can hear about her life and she will hopefully share her thoughts and feelings with me. A quiet time, away from school and work, chores and activities to just unwind and enjoy the moment.

Nate ~ Three Months

Nate,
  You are 3 months old! The weeks are starting to run together so quickly now that I find myself missing those midnight feedings (who would have thought!). That was what I would tell myself as I would slowly roll out of bed to feed you, "when this phase is over and he is sleeping through the night, you will look back and miss this". And I was right, I do.

My sweet boy, in only three months you have changed so much. Your brand new, just born, infant face is gone and has transformed into a full, chubby baby face. You smile and coo and respond to your name. It is going by so fast, as I knew it would.


Milestones: You are sleeping through the night! Between 9 and 9:30 pm you get your last feeding and then you are out cold until 6 am. Just like your sister before you, you are an awesome sleeper! I am a lucky, lucky Mama.

Loves: Your "Monkey Mat". It is an activity mat that your Grandma bought you. There are monkeys that rotate from the top of it and you are amazed by them. You also love to lay with me on the couch. If you are fussy, all I have to do is lay on the couch with you across my chest and it calms you down. This is how you fall asleep every night and is my favorite part of the day.

Hates: Tummy Time. You do not like laying on your stomach! I can usually get you to tolerate it for around 5 minutes each day, but after that you are over it and ready to be flipped over. We're gonna have to work on this if you are ever going to crawl!