Let it be

In the first few weeks of my pregnancy with Autumn we had a scare. I woke up from a nap and was spotting. Like all pregnant women who look down and see red where there should never be red, I flipped. We spent five hours in the emergency room and left unsure of what was going to happen to our baby. A week and a half and three doctor's appointments later, they finally found our Autumn and everything was where it should be.

In the middle of my pregnancy with Autumn we had another scare. During an ultrasound they found a cyst on Autumn's brain. This can be a marker for several different things in a fetus. They monitored my pregnancy closely and after originally declining genetic testing, Steve and I had it done. Everything checked out fine and the cyst eventually disappeared.

Like clockwork I started spotting at the same point in my pregnancy with Nate. This time around I tried to stay calm and instead of spending an uncomfortable night in the hospital, I made an emergency appointment with my OB. Everything checked out fine and I left with my first ultrasound picture in hand.

After that, I figured we were good to go. Smooth sailing ahead.

I was wrong.

During Nate's anatomy scan at 18 weeks it was discovered that he had SUA (Single Umbilical Artery) as well as a cyst on his brain. Like with Autumn, these are both markers for several different things in unborn babies and SUA has a laundry list of possible problems it can cause. Unlike with Autumn, we did not have enough time to reconsider the genetic testing. My pregnancy was monitored extremely closely and thankfully neither the cyst or the SUA affected Nate in the least.

One positive thing did come out of my pregnancy scares with Nate. Up until that point Steve and I had been on the fence about Nate's name until I read that Nathaniel means "Gift of God". Sold.

When I would talk to fellow mothers or mothers-to-be I always commented how stressful pregnancy was for me because there was so much out of my control. I much more preferred things after my babies were born. Out of the womb I felt like I could have a bigger impact on their safety and well being.

I was wrong.

It has recently been brought to our attention that there is the possibility that Nate could have a disorder. Our pediatrician is skeptical but having us follow up with a specialist nevertheless. There are few feelings in this world that are worse than the feeling that something could be "wrong" with your baby. I can feel my eyes well up with tears every time the thought enters my mind. I try to remind myself that our doctor is just being thorough, that this is not something that she thinks Nate has, but the possibility is there. Just like with the possible outcomes from the cysts and the SUA, once the words are spoken, the possibility is there.

I overreact by nature. Thankfully, Steve is much more level headed. When I go off on a tangent of "possibilities" Steve quickly brings me back to earth and reminds me that Nate is perfect.

We will soon have an appointment where this journey will either begin or end. If there is a diagnosis to be had, hopefully we will have it. If, like with our previous scares, everything checks out we will close this very short chapter and move on, Autumn and Nate in tow.

Either way I have learned something. I am never ever in control. As much as I want to be, as much as I need to be, I'm just not. These scares with my children have proven that, over and over, I have just been to stubborn to accept it. It has taken a long time but I think that I am finally at peace with this understanding. I am also at peace with whatever the outcome of this may be. Instead of standing in the path of the waves and letting them knock me down I am going to jump in and swim with the current.

"And when the night is cloudy

there is still a light that shines on me.

Shine on until tomorrow,

let it be, let it be.

Oh there will be an answer,

let it be, let it be."