Five years ago this little girl came twirling into our lives. At first she was my newborn, my baby doll that I could dress up. I had NO IDEA what I was doing, but she didn't seem to mind. She would smile and coo and pose for the camera like a pro.
Then she was my baby. She gained some weight and seemed less "breakable" and I gained some confidence and didn't feel like I was going to break her.
Then she turned into my toddler. My sweet mixed with sassy toddler. She started to look less like her Daddy and more like me. She started to act more like me too. She discovered Princesses and proclaimed herself to be one. We haven't looked back since.
And now. Now, at five years old, she is no longer my newborn. She's grown from being my baby (and actually corrects me if I happened to refer to her as such). She is too big to be my toddler.
She is my girl. My girl - who has her own opinions (many, many opinions), who has her own dreams, who tells the best stories of finding buried treasure, and LOVES a good knock-knock joke. My girl, who is so, so girly - in the best ways - but doesn't mind getting her painted nails a little dirty. The one who loves her brother fiercely. That little girl who makes sure to tell me every night that this is "the best dinner I've ever made!".
Yup, that one is my girl. My FIVE year old girl.
The morning of Autumn's birthday I dropped her and her brother off at school. I squeezed her extra tight, told her "Happy Birthday" one more time and gave her an extra kiss. I walked out of the school and had not made it into my car before the tears started. I questioned myself, thinking "why are you crying?!" I cried all the way to work. At first, I think I was crying because she's growing so. fast. and sometimes I just want to go back to that little newborn that I used to dress up like a doll. By the time I got to work, I was crying because I am just so damn proud of us.
She's amazing. She is everything I wished my daughter would be and even when she is driving me insane or having an epic meltdown, there is nothing I would not do for that kid.
And me - I have learned a. lot. in the five years I have been a Mama. I have learned that not everything revolves around me. That worrying is not going to change anything. That I don't have to be perfect - and it's better for my kids that I'm not. I have learned what truly being tired feels like and to pick my battles wisely. I have learned to dodge the judgment of others and to be less judgmental. That "mother's guilt" is always going to be there - so I need to just keep moving. Most importantly, I have learned that at the end of the day all my kids REALLY need is me. My time and my attention. That's it.
Happy Birthday Autumn. You aren't a baby or a toddler - you are a big girl and turning five is a big deal. Like you said, "Mama it's ONE WHOLE HAND!!"
