It's been a tough one. There isn't any one thing I can pinpoint that is responsible for making this week increasingly more difficult for me, it has been a multitude of things that all came together, creating the perfect storm in my head.
In my head.
Steve has no idea that this week has beaten me down. To Autumn and Nate everything has carried on as usual, but for me this week has been filled with anger (at myself), sadness, confusion and an overwhelming feeling that if I were not here things in my household would not miss a beat.
Autumn has really been pushing the boundaries lately with Steve and I. Day in and day out I feel like all of my interactions with her consist of reprimands and corrections. There is more negativity spilling out than there is praise, and I hate that. It didn't help that Steve had to close two nights this week and that completely through Autumn off. She cried and cried for her Daddy, which left me feeling inadequate and not needed.
On the second night that Steve closed, I had wrapped up dinner and baths and had both kids tucked into bed. I plopped down on the couch and opened Facebook on my phone. One of the first things I saw was a picture an acquaintance had posted of her son fast asleep on her chest. Her son is almost exactly the same age as Nate. The wheels in my head started to turn and my first thoughts were, "Nate would NEVER fall asleep on me like that." which lead to "She MUST be a better mother than me because her 14 month old wants to snuggle with her when all mine wants to do is conquer climbing the couch cushions."
Now, my rational mind tells me that this thought process is ridiculous but my heart doesn't care what my rational mind has to say. That one innocent picture posted on Facebook had me comparing myself to this other Mother and left me feeling sad and inadequate, again.
"We live in a technological world", that's what everyone keeps saying, right? Well let me tell you, technology has done nothing to help this Mother feel like I am doing my job. We are inundated with articles telling us how to be BETTER how to do BETTER. I scroll through picture after picture of Mother's who obviously have this parenting thing down, of kids sitting sweetly next to their parents for "Family Movie Night" all the while my four year old is having a melt down next to the refrigerator because her cold water is not cold enough and her Daddy is not home to fix it.
My Mother did not raise her children in the age of Facebook and Instagram, where the opportunity to continuously compare your parenting abilities against someone else's is a finger swipe away. She can offer me no advice on how to navigate this. I'm on my own trying to figure out how to turn the comparison switch off and it ain't easy.
And to those reading this who may be friends with me on Facebook or Instagram, let me apologize if anything that I have posted has invoked those same feelings in you. That is not my intention. Please, please do not compare yourself to me (because, obviously, I do NOT have it all together) or to anyone else. You are you and you are wonderful and beautiful and important and good enough.
I know my children love me, I know that Steve loves me, I know that in my little world I am needed but sometimes you have those moments when you may KNOW it but you don't FEEL it. I didn't feel it this week.
