Autumn's middle name is Jane. Jane, after my Grandmother, my Gram.
My Grandmother left us Valentines Day 11 years ago. It was quick. Within a week we found out she was sick, in the hospital, getting better, going to leave the hospital, and then gone. Gone. I was 18 years old and she was gone.
It was the first time I had ever lost someone and I couldn't bear the thought of it. I remember being at the hospital several hours after she had passed away and a nurse approached me and several other family members. "Is everything OK?" she asked. I remember glaring at her. "No, everything is not OK." I answered. I felt like things were never going to be OK again. I felt like my heart had been cut out of my body with a plastic knife. I felt like my lungs were shrinking and I could not get enough air in them. My stomach was in knots and I was pretty sure I was going to hurl at any moment and this nurse wanted to know if everything was "OK".
That poor nurse. I feel bad now, when I think back, but then, at that moment a huge change had just happened in my world and no one had asked for my permission.
So much has changed in my life in the past 11 years, so much that I wish she had been here for. Steve and I got married two years after she passed, my cousin carried a white rose down the aisle and placed it where she would have sat. I have had two babies and my family has suffered another gut-wrenching loss since she's been gone.
There are so many things that I wish I could share with her. So many things that I wish I could say. I want her to know what I am like as an adult, as a mother. I want my daughter to know her face. I want her to hold my son. I have so many questions I would love to ask her, advice I want to get. I just want to hear her voice one. more. time.
"It has been said that time heals all wounds, I don't agree.
The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity, covers
them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but is never gone."
~ Rose Kennedy
When we found out Autumn was going to be a little lady we had already decided we were going to name her after my Grandmother. The woman whose strength exceeded her tiny frame, just like my Autumn. She was hysterical, loving, stubborn and fearless. She lived her life without regard of other's opinions. I pray that Autumn inherits an ounce of who she was. I hope that through my stories she is able to learn about this woman whose name she carries, and how extraordinary she was.
So, when I hear Autumn recite her name, I try to make sure that she remembers that special part in the middle. Her name is Autumn Jane. I hope one day she is as proud to carry that name as I was to give it to her.
