Parental Preference

As a new mother one of the things that I have struggled with the most is that my daughter has, for a while now, favored her father. It hasn't always been this way. As an infant she preferred to be with me, which was good since she was with me all day and night for the first two months of her life.

I can remember late night crying fits when Steve would hold her, and console her, but nothing seemed to help until he handed her to me. Now I am not going to lie, this did make me feel good. I loved feeling like I could comfort and protect my child. There were times in those first eight weeks of new parenthood when I felt like it was Autumn and I against the world.

I can also remember during that time moments when Steve felt inadequate as a parent. During a phone conversation with my Mom she said, "Tell him not to worry, the tides will turn and a time will come when she will want him over you." While I thought that was a comforting thought for Steve, I didn't believe her. I was wrong.

When I first started noticing Autumn's preference I began researching our situation and found that apparently this is a common occurrence for children Autumn's age. I actually read stories of severe parental preference, where the child would push away or refuse the non-preferred parent. Thankfully, this is not our situation. Autumn enjoys her time with me, plays with me, comes to me and snuggles with me, until her "Dada" gets home. In Autumn's eyes, Steve has hung the moon and stars, and when he is home he has her full attention.

Now, I understand that Autumn sees me more often during the week then she does Steve. I am there when she wakes up in the morning. I pick her up in the afternoon and am with her until Steve arrives home in the evening. So naturally, when he is home she is drawn to him and wants to spend as much time with him as possible. This is what my head tells me.

However, when Autumn falls and hurts herself or is sick and prefers to be comforted by Steve, my heart does not care what my head has to say. It hurts. I have found myself wondering what I have done wrong? And then the "Mother's Guilt" comes. I have spent several mornings at work, sitting at my desk in tears.

Through my research I have found that this is a phase, just as it was a phase when she was a newborn and attached to me. Eventually there will come a point when she prefers neither parent and then there are the teenage years when she will dislike us both.

In the mean time I am trying to recognize the wonderful things happening through this preference. Autumn is forming a strong bond with her father, something that will be so important in the years to come. And while they play I get to enjoy some "Me" time, knowing that before long I will hear those little footsteps walking down the hall and a little voice yelling "Mama!"